It’s 1:45 in the morning the rains Pitter patter wakes me from our world. Clock cadence rewind to our favorite yesterday. Those deep sea blues, stardust embraces, the creation of everything. Did you always know that in my own way since that first day I knew no matter what I’d love you anyway?
Your fearlessness and that zest for life it was infectious. Your charm took hold before I knew anything was going on. Thinking back on all that happened you must’ve known but didn’t say. Instead we just lived for the moment wishing time would stand still for awhile more.
Then came last fall and the realization that we’d been putting off for years. Pacing back and fourth reading that letter. Yes I know where you are and now I know that you’ve always known that I’ll love you anyway.
I’ve never known a peace like that one that cascades over me here. This nameless sinless place. How is that I’ve come to share this sacred place with you my love? Now I lay me down to sleep…This must be what it feels like to be home with you. intertwining our fingers along with a kiss that tastes like “Honey I’m home” These eyes, the stubble, the embrace I’ve never known such peace.
Clocks frozen between stay here and it’s time to go.
Stargazer lilies combined with sunflowers from the fields of North Dakota. Reminds of the back roads where we’d planned to watch the sunset on the night of our engagement party. I’d never known what true happiness could be until you revealed it to me all those nights ago. Shh don’t worry about the coming dawn we’ve still got forever trust me. Crickets haven’t finished singing.
Christian said he’d distract the sandman with a game of monopoly for awhile longer. Hey love did you see the memorial your family threw for you? ATV’s, blue skies and good ol’ Montana BBQ. We didn’t forget the bittersweet tears or the ice to with your favorite beer. Here’s to Micah and what was supposed to be….
Now we all have a deep longing to know what we’ve all been cheated out of. Week long vacations in Glamis and hot tub parties. Was that you who left those tire tracks across the sky the other night? Speed Racer do you know how badly I wanted to be your wife? Wide eyed and eager and dreaming of possibilities.
We’ll I better be getting back, love you from here to forever. One more kiss, one more embrace. I lied lets stay here forever. The peace that we have here I’m not ready to give it up. Christian go tell them I’ve changed my mind.
To blow out those candles with my eyes closed
And when they open Dad will be here
Come on baby, lets go home
Daddy what took you so long?
Well I can dream at least
There’s no telling when he’ll come
Mom are you awake I can’t sleep?
Woke up crying for him for us all to be
I’m still unsure of the dark
Micah keep the monsters at bay
knight in shining armor I love you
Dad see I told you he reminds me of you
Crawling in next to her
Her voice is a prayer and lullaby in one
Hush my girl it’ll all be alright
stroking my hair calming sleep remedy
It’s been tough to realize all the plans that we had will never come to fruition here. The idea of a life together with a home and children. How we’d talked about walking around our hometown and talked all night. How you wanted know me wholly body and soul.
You brought back the beauty of home that I thought had died along with my parents when I buried them. Micah this isn’t how this was supposed to go! I’m selfish because I want you back? okay fine I’m selfish but if you insist I will go on. If I’m lucky maybe enough of love will find me again but it won’t be complete love because that’s only meant for you.
the dust settled while the tread marks remain where he went barreling into eternity. clenching fists made bloody while silent screams and stinging tears fill the sunset sky. Christian wraps his infinite arms around me while the wind attempt to dry these tears.
chicken scratch paper plane prayers a writers way of asking for just one more night.
Micah your name will echo into eternity and my children will bear some version of your name. This roulette game of life reminds me of the county fair back in North Dakota. Always thought we’d dance through the crowd and share a sunset kiss atop the Farris wheel.
See what you did? I’m all kinds of all over the place still attempting to catch my breath.
Ask anyone in town they’ll tell you “oh she’s doing fine.” This automatic reaction that painful question. I’m too exhausted to put much effort into anything other than trying to heal. Up before the sun getting lost in my work, keeping the pain at bay for the moment. Lakeland texts and we make plans to jog through this ghost town together. She insists on seeing me through the fog. God bless her and yes I’m fine.
Others are begging me to put myself back out there, my happy ending is somewhere waiting. Praying that we’ll meet and create a life full of dreams built on faith and similar ideals. Brother nudges me “You know our parents would love to have more grandchildren..”
Life is fleeting you have to dare to dream again Micah, wouldn’t want to see you alone like this. Those words are like salt in a fresh wound that’s just barely begun to heal. Well meaning but oh what poor timing. There’s no way to fast track this healing, grieving heroically takes time.
Attempted to speak of you in the past tense but, the taste of vinegar burned my mouth. So i prayed and cried bittersweet tears then mustered the strength to whisper: Sweet dreams my light, my love, forever your girl no matter what.
Time will tell about the rest but, I myself will not seek it out.